101 Things I Will Not Do In Erik's Lair
by Sugary Snicket
Summary: What it says on the tin - 101 things that no man, woman, or child should ever do while in Erik's lair. If you want more of this, just give me some suggestions!
1. 101 Things I Mustn't Do

**101 Things I Must Not Do in Erik's Lair**

1. I will not use Erik's mask as a Frisbee.

2. I will not remove Erik's mask without his permission.

3. I will not remove Erik's mask with his permission.

4. I will not touch Erik's mask, period. I will not even think about touching the mask, period, especially if I am a young, beautiful soprano with talent.

5. I will not bring mirrors that aren't already there into Erik's lair. He will not appreciate it.

6. I will not play with Erik's Christine dolls… again.

7. I will not bring my stuffed animals, dolls, or action figures into the lair to play with Erik's dolls… more than once.

8. The Punjab Lasso is not a toy.

9. The torture chamber is not a toy.

10. I am not allowed to use the noose in said torture chamber as a swing.

11. The iron tree in said torture chamber is not there for me to climb on. Doing so will result in Erik shutting me in said torture chamber for the rest of my life, which will probably not be very long once the torture begins...

12. Erik does not appreciate it when I use the trap doors without his permission, especially to get into his lair.

13. The underground lake is not a swimming pool. I am therefore not allowed to swim in it, have a pool party in it, throw pool toys in it, or install a diving board or slide near it.

14. Erik's name is Erik. It is not OG, despite him constantly signing his notes to the managers "O.G.", and I may not call him such.

15. I am not allowed to drop chandeliers on Raoul without Erik's permission.

16. I cannot sneak up on Erik. Not even a little bit.

17. Erik does not like it when I use the insult 'your face'. He does not like the insult 'your mom', either.

18. Erik does not want a hug. I therefore will never attempt to hug Erik.

19. I am not Christine. Erik does not love me. I will therefore stop trying to seduce him.

20. Neither Ayesha nor Erik appreciates it when I bring my pet dog into the lair.

21. I will stop referring to Erik's lair as "The Bat cave", and Erik himself as "The Dungeon Bat".

22. Erik does not want to read Harry Potter. I will therefore stop asking him if he does.

23. If I bring anything mint-flavored into Erik's lair, Erik _will_ eat it before I get the chance to.

24. Erik does not like it when I sit on top of his organ while he's playing.

25. Playing Erik's organ with my feet is not a good way to impress him.

26. Erik does not want make-up, and he will personally strangle me if I ever use the 'M word' again.

27. Erik hates it when I use the word 'like' as a filler word, and he is prepared to remind me of this painfully at any time...

28. Getting Erik angry is not as good of an idea as it sounds, and will result in my very painful death.

29. I will not spray-paint Erik's mask glow-in-the-dark, pink, yellow, or any other color or pattern other than the color it originally was.

30. I will not put thumbtacks on Erik's chairs or benches… again.

31. I will stop comparing Erik to Severus Snape, Gríma Wormtongue, or any other lurk-happy, creepy guy from any other novel.

32. I will stop asking Erik if he has the One Ring in his lair or knows where Mount Doom is.

33. If I draw on Erik's mask while he's sleeping, I will die in my sleep that same night.

34. I will not egg and TP Erik's lair and surrounding territory, then laugh and run away… more than once.

35. If I must listen to music other than Erik's, I will bring an iPod, MP3 player, or CD player. Bringing anything that blasts music into the entire room will end very, very badly.

36. I must never put a large sign on Erik's back that reads "Trademark to Gaston Leroux, re-trademarked to Andrew Lloyd Webber." He will not appreciate it – plus, it's extremely difficult to hide in the shadows when you have a large white piece of paper stuck to your predominantly black outfit.

37. If I am a phangirl or if I am dealing with Gerik, I will not attempt to get Erik drunk until he passes out. When he wakes up and discovers me within his personal space or beyond, he will throttle me, torture me to death, and then kill me - though not necessarily in that order.

38. If Erik (and especially Gerik) starts beating himself, up about his deformity, I will not say, "Well, that's what you get for sunbathing on the roof of the opera house." Erik's response to this will not be in my favor.

39. I will not call Erik 'Mr. Twirly-cloak-O-Doom', 'Mr. Dramatic-Exit-O-Doom', or 'Mr. Loom-O-Doom'. I may not call him 'Mr. Falling-Chandelier-O-Doom', either.

40. Making stupid faces at Erik will not make him laugh.

41. Erik does not want a facial. I will not offer him one. I will not speak about it.

42. I will not keep following Erik around whilst humming his theme music. Contrary to popular belief, it does get very annoying after a while.

43. I may not use the torture chamber as a tanning booth.

44. I will not ask Erik to disco, tango, or break dance.

45. Contrary to popular belief, running around in a mask and cape and claiming that my face is horribly scarred will not endear me to Erik.

46. Constantly referring to both Erik and me in the third person is not funny.

47. I will not ask Erik if he wants pie. He doesn't.

48. I will not ask Erik if he wants 'pie'. Unless I am Christine, he doesn't.

49. I will not ask Erik what he would do.

50. I will not put pickles in Erik's coffin, as this is not a nice thing to do.

51. I will not pour tons of lemonade mix into the underground lake in order to make it taste good if I fall in and get water in my mouth.

52. I am not allowed to wear Erik's Fedora. Ever.

53. I am not allowed to wear Erik's mask. Ever.

54. I am not allowed to wear any other article of Erik's clothing. Ever.

55. Taking a bag of manure, setting it at the entrance to Erik's lair, and setting said bag on fire is not a nice prank, and Erik will not appreciate it. Rather, he will find and skin me alive, then kill me.

56. I must never dive off the gondola while Erik is paddling it.

57. I must never, ever run and do a cannonball into the lake in an attempt to splash Erik.

58. I must never, at any time, glomp Erik.

59. I will not ask Erik if he wants a coke.

60. I will not sing the Dr. Pepper jingle, asking Erik if he "would like to be a Pepper, too."

61. I will not storm up to Erik and ask in a demanding tone, "Where's the BEEF?!"

62. I will not sing the Free Credit Report Pirates song.

63. I will not sing The Emo Song.

64. I will not sing The Fun Song or anything else from Spongebob Squarepants.

65. I will not sing any song I find amusing. Ever.

66. I will not use his Don Juan Triumphant score for funny doodles of Christine and Raoul with goatees and glasses. As much as he might like the Raoul ones, he will certainly not appreciate the fact that I used his prized composition for paper. He'll probably also kill me for the Christine ones.

67. I will not flop over on the floor and whine for Erik to help me because "I've fallen and I can't get up."

68. Erik is not a banana, and he does not particularly care if "my spoon is too big."

69. I will not purposefully wait for dramatic pauses in Erik's singing or speech and yell "SPOON!"

70. Similarly, I will not purposefully wait for dramatic moments before I fart. Better yet, I will not fart if Erik is in the room, period.

71. I will not give Erik a pink, sparkly mask for his birthday.

72. I will not blast Hannah Montana or Jonas Brothers in, near, or around the lair. Doing so will get me Punjabbed.

73. I will not replace Erik's Punjab lasso with a different one made of bright yellow rope, as this will get me strangled with both the rope and the Punjab lasso.

74. Yelling "PUNJABB'D!" whenever Erik strangles someone is not helpful and will not endear me to Erik.

75. 'Gerik', 'Phan', 'Raoul', and 'Schumacher' are swearwords, and I must not use them anywhere in the lair.

76. If Erik is stalking me, a safety pin will not save me.

77. Allowing my fellow phans into the Lair is strictly prohibited.

78. I must never, under any circumstances, attempt to hide under/in/behind Erik's cape, pipe organ, coffin, swan bed, torture chamber, fedora, underground lake, gondola, or room.

79. I must not use the swan bed as a flotation device.

80. I must not use the pipe organ as a flotation device.

81. I must not use the coffin as a flotation device.

82. I must not use Erik as a flotation device.

83. As hard as I may try, I simply cannot fit inside the largest pipe on the organ in an attempt to spy on Erik for the following reasons: A) I cannot spy on Erik without the threat of immediate death hanging on my head. B) I am not small enough to fit in the pipe. C) I cannot get back out should I manage to get in, as organ pipes are not made for me to hide in. D) Organ pipes enhance sound, and therefore my immature giggling will echo throughout the room. E) Should I ever find myself inside the pipe organ whilst Erik is playing it, I will immediately go deaf from the volume of the note echoing in said pipe.

84. Erik will do anything, but not for a Klondike bar and certainly not for me.

85. I will not replace Erik's mask with a Hockey mask and play the theme from Halloween.

86. I will not put a Chucky doll amongst Erik's Christine dolls, especially in a ludicrous position with one of them, and see if he notices. He will.

87. I will not purposefully squish a spider in front of Erik.

88. I will not mistakenly squish a spider in front of Erik.

89. No matter how arachnophobic I am, I must never go through Erik's lair with a can of Raid in an attempt to eliminate all the spiders.

90. I will not run around in Erik's Red Death costume.

91. Trick or treating at Erik's doorstep, especially if I am dressed as Erik or any other PotO character, will not win me any brownie points.

92. Erik does not care about my facial blemishes, scars, or unibrow and whining about how I'm "soooo ugly" because of these things will not go over well.

93. I must never poke Erik.

94. I must never hum the Jeopardy theme whilst Erik is thinking.

95. Leetspeak and chatspeak is strictly prohibited in Erik's lair.

96. Pretending to 'hang' Ayesha is a cruel prank, and I must never play this prank on Erik under any circumstances, lest I wind up hanging from the rafters of the opera house the next morning.

97. Playing 'Got-Your-Nose' does not amuse Erik.

98. Making references to Lon Cheney will not amuse Erik.

99. Making Erik watch the 2004 movie with Gerard Butler will not go over well.

100. Erik does not appreciate it when I pick my nose in front of him, as he finds it very offensive, although for different reasons than the traditional ones.

101. Comparing Erik to Freddy Krueger is not a good idea, as they have next to nothing in common and Erik is more likely to be angered than amused.


	2. 101 More Things I Mustn't Do

101 More Things I Must Not Do In Erik's Lair

201. I will never set Erik up on a date with anyone except Christine. This includes Meg, Carlotta, and myself.

202. I must never write angsty Raoul/Erik slash and read it aloud to Erik. He will personally flay me alive before I ever get through the first sentence.

203. I must never pee in the underground lake.

204. I must never give him pamphlets on eating disorders, no matter how few times a week he eats.

205. I must never attempt to force feed Erik, no matter how much his eating habits disturb me.

206. Wearing Erik's cape will not enable me to fly. I therefore must not 'borrow' his cape and jump from a balcony in the auditorium whilst yelling "I'm Dramatic Black Cape Man!"

207. I must never refer to Erik as Batman. Humming the Batman theme only makes it worse.

208. I am never to mention Christine again.

209. I am not allowed to sit in Box Five unless Erik invites me.

210. I may not dress in a cheap Opera Ghost costume, jump out of Box Five, and land on stage laughing evilly while Christine is performing. Not only will Erik be very annoyed, Christine won't be too fond of me, either.

211. I must never, ever mention Raoul. Ever.

212. I must not beg Erik for singing lessons.

213. I must not keep bothering him about giving me singing lessons after he has already said no.

214. If he finally caves and gives me lessons, I must not purposefully sing wrong notes in order to piss him off.

215. I am not allowed to sing the Ghost Busters Theme during my singing lessons.

216. I am not allowed to sing any Pop music during my singing lessons.

217. I am not allowed to sing show tunes during my singing lessons.

218. I may not sing The Song That Never Ends for my warm-ups.

219. I may not sing the Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves for my warm-ups.

220. I am not a Jellicle Cat, and I therefore have no excuse for walking all over Erik's furniture.

221. I have no reason to make cat sounds instead of using proper speech around Erik.

222. I may not ask Erik if he knows the muffin man.

223. I may not ask Erik if he is the muffin man.

224. I must not beg Erik for ice cream. He does not have any.

225. If I still play Pokémon, I must resist the urge to name one of them after Erik, one after Christine, and one after Raoul… even if I really want to.

226. I must not write Erik notes signed "Your obedient servant, (my initials)".

227. I must not call Erik GhostMan.

228. I must not call Erik the Invisible Man.

229. I must not ask Erik how he does "That trick" more than once.

230. No matter how easy it will make entry into the Lair, I must never cut a hole in Erik's ceiling.

231. Erik is not the Jolly Green Giant, and I may not call him such.

232. I must never, ever refer to Erik as my pet corpse. This will get him angrier than a colony of hornets, and… Actually, you know what? I think I prefer the colony of hornets…

233. I must never keep pestering Erik to "learn to play the violin." Chances are he already knows how.

234. I must never sing 'When You're Evil' in or around the Lair.

235. I must not attempt to get Erik to dance with me for any reason. He simply will not do it.

236. I must not force Erik to do my homework for me.

237. I must never, no matter how much of a fangirl I am, wear cat ears, sit by Erik, and ask him to 'pet the kitty'.

238. I must never, ever use the word 'organ' in a provocative way around Erik.

239. Contrary to popular belief, Erik does not find random, hyper outbursts funny. Rather, he finds them very annoying.

240. I must not force Erik to recite Shakespeare, however funny that would be.

241. I must refrain from calling Erik Michael Jackson.

242. I must refrain from playing any Michael Jackson music in or around the Lair.

243. I will stop asking Erik if Billie Jean is his lover and if the kid is his son.

244. I may never make any references to anything by Douglas Adams. Ever.

245. No matter how tempting it is, I must never dye Erik's wigs strange or unusual colors or replace them with curly clown wigs. I will die very slowly and painfully if I do.

246. I must never attempt to get Erik to do the Thriller dance. He simply will not do it.

247. I must never do the Thriller dance in Erik's lair.

248. I must never teach Christine and the ballet rats the Thriller dance and then have them all go down to Erik's lair to perform it for him. All save for Christine will not return. This includes me.

249. Erik does not want to watch Shaun of the Dead with me. I therefore will not force him to watch it.

250. I will stop calling Erik a Lon Cheney Wannabe.

251. I must never, under any circumstances, call Erik a Drama King, Ham, or overly dramatic.

252. I must not tell Erik that his glowing eyes and black outfit make him look like Shadow Sora.

253. I must not force Erik to play Guitar Hero with me… more than once.

254. I must never, ever tell Erik that his music is "just too classical for me."

255. I must never, ever, _ever_ diss opera in front of Erik.

256. If I want to live, I must not attempt to trap Erik and myself in a room for any period of time.

257. I must not ask Erik if I can borrow his Punjab Lasso, and when he asks why, say that I need it to put my little siblings in their place.

258. I must never bring any kids I happen to be babysitting into the Lair.

259. I must not play air guitar whilst Erik is composing and improvise a solo with my voice.

260. I must not play air organ whilst Erik is composing and improvise a solo with my voice.

261. I must not go up to Erik while he is composing and ask, "So, is this the part where the guitar comes in?"

262. I must never, ever, ever, ever, _ever_ purposefully put Erik's organ out of tune. If I do, there will be nowhere that I can hide that will keep me safe from him.

263. I may not play Erik's organ unless I am taking lessons from him or he gives me permission to play it.

264. If Erik does give me permission to play his organ, I must not play any show tunes, pop music, or rock music on it.

265. I must not play the Mario Theme on Erik's organ.

266. I must not sing Rock Lobster around Erik at any time.

267. No matter how tempting, I must not wait until Christine enters the Lair and sing Ugly Girl. Erik will kill me, and by kill, I mean that he will slowly skin me alive.

268. I must not interrupt Erik when he is chewing me out for doing any of the above things.

269. I must not ask Erik how his eyes do "that cool, spooky, evil glowy thingie."

270. If Erik gets angry, and especially if he gets angry with me, I must keep my hand at the level of my eyes until he calms down.

271. I must not run up to him and yell "The grasshopper jumps jolly high!" and then run off laughing hysterically. That line was really only funny in the book.

272. Erik does not find spoons particularly funny. Therefore, I must not attempt to make him laugh by saying the word 'spoon' in a weird way.

273. I must not ask Erik if he can do "that thing that Trekkies do with their hands."

274. I must not attempt to get Erik to play any of the Myst games, or any other puzzle-adventure games, for that matter.

275. I must not put safety pins on every available surface in the Lair, and then, when Erik confronts me on them, say that I was only making it so that he didn't have to steal the managers' safety pins anymore. He will not appreciate the joke.

276. I must never, ever put a 'kick me' sign on Erik's back, no matter how funny I think it would be.

277. I must not purposefully use bad grammar around Erik. He _will_ show me just how deadly a dangling participle can be.

278. I must not ever bring a voice-warping toy into the Lair and use it to annoy Erik. It will work a little too well…

279. I must never tie the Punjab Lasso into the shape of a tie.

280. I must never play Cat's Cradle with the Punjab Lasso.

281. I must not force Erik to watch reruns of Star Trek episodes with me.

282. I must not force Erik to watch any of my favorite TV shows with me.

283. I must not go up to Erik and yell, "I'm a-_firin'_ mah LAZAR! GRAAAAAGGGGHHH!!"

284. I must not post signs on the mirrors in the torture chamber that read, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear." This destroys the illusion, as Erik will demonstrate by forcing me to take them all down and keeping me locked in there until I learn my lesson.

285. No matter how funny I think it would be, I must never give Erik anything in a dribble glass.

286. I must never steal Erik's gloves and then run around smacking people in the face with them.

287. I must not sing Rock The Boat whilst Erik is paddling the gondola.

288. I must not sing O Sole Mio whilst Erik is paddling the gondola.

289. I am no longer allowed to stand at the edge of the underground lake and yell "Hello? Hello? Anyone there? Echo!"

290. I must never bring a blow-up mallet into the Lair and run around hitting Ayesha with it.

291. I must never hit Erik with said blow-up mallet.

292. Erik does not want a roller coaster installed in his underground lair. I therefore will stop begging him to get one, no matter how incredibly awesome that would be.

293. I must not put on a mermaid costume, swim around in the underground lake and tell Erik that I am the siren that lives there. He will not be amused.

294. I must never play ball in the Lair. If I break something, I'm dead.

295. Erik does not want to play dodge ball. I will therefore stop pelting him with rubber balls.

296. No matter how cool it would be, I must not install a killer sound system in Erik's lair. If I do, he will proceed to show me just how killer it is.

297. I must never quote the movie Scarface whilst in Erik's lair.

298. I must never quote Star Wars, Indiana Jones, or any other George Lucas-slash-Steven Spielberg film whilst in Erik's lair.

299. I must never hum the theme from Star Wars, the theme from Indiana Jones, or the theme from ET in Erik's lair.

300. I must not eat any of Erik's mint-flavored items, especially if they are not meant to be edible.

301. I am no longer allowed to be in Erik's lair, period.


End file.
